“I am accepted by God through the work of Jesus Christ – therefore I obey.” As opposed to “I obey- therefore I am accepted by God through the work of Jesus Christ.”

I was raised in the church, went to a Christian school in Jamaica. My aunts were evangelists, missionaries; being saved was the cool thing to do in my family. Everyone had a relationship with God. As I grew older, I too had a relationship with God, but it wasn’t out of the right heart. It was out of fear. I was taught that there was this place called hell and God sent people who were disobedient and bad and rebellious to hell and if I didn’t want to go to hell then I should be a good kid. I watched all the movies about the antichrist and how people who weren’t “saved” had to live their lives in fear or get the mark of the beast (666). This put even more fear into my heart. From that moment on, I began to perform for God. If I was obedient and had a good (outward) attitude then I could be “saved” and not have to go to hell. For years I have been building on that fear, trying to be a Christian on top of my fear of hell. I feared hell more than I feared God. 

But I couldn’t get anywhere. No matter how good I tried to be, I still felt as if my heart was horrible and I would remember the scripture “Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.” If God was looking at my heart, then he wouldn’t let me into heaven. I had resentment, jealousy, unforgiveness, cynicism plus a bunch of others at the core of my heart. I had heard “fake it till you make it” so much in my life but how do you fake a good heart? When do you get real with yourself? I went to church, read my Bible, sang worship songs, danced, and basically “performed” for God so that he would let me into heaven. 

But what I wasn’t taught FIRST was that God knew that I was, by nature, rebellious, disobedient, and bad. He knew that my heart was corrupt but He loved me despite that. I wasn’t taught that it is by sheer grace through the work of Christ regardless of anything I do or have done that I can be accepted by God. Either that or I missed the memo… 

I now realize that I have been trying to build a healthy relationship with God on a solid foundation of fear rather than the realization of who God is. No wonder my heart has never changed. We are all taught that for a relationship to thrive, the foundation has to be laid well on principles. My foundation was laid well but on false principles. 

The fear that I associated with God, overflowed into my other relationships. I would do things or not do things out of fear that I would not be accepted by that person. (See the parallelism). I let people walk over me, bully me, take advantage of me, because I had a fear that if I stood up for myself that they would no longer love me and I had a deep desire to be loved. But through God and my spiritual mother, I realize that fear can never be the foundation of any relationship. 

With friends, I would get upset when they borrowed stuff without asking but wouldn’t say anything because in mind they wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore. Not sure why but that’s honestly what went on in my head. With guys, I never had any intention to have sex with them but I would pretend as if I was savvy in that department so as to engage them and if I saw that relationship headed in that direction, I would make myself distant or feign sickness (OH LORD). But I was fearful that they would reject me if they realized that I was a virgin and had no intentions of having sex before marriage.

If a person gets upset at your boundaries or just your preferences (as long as they are Godly preferences) they don’t need to be in your life. One of the healthy principles of a relationship is respect. 
I now understand that fear can never be at the core of any relationship, specifically your relationship with God. God loves me freely despite my MANY imperfections.

Why is it so hard for your heart to change? What is at the foundation of your relationship with God?